Rant - Josh

If you’re like me, (and for the sake of this post, I hope you are) then you’re a person who draws from a fairly deep reservoir of empathy and consciously tries to give the people in the periphery of your life the benefit of the doubt, especially for those less fortunate or in a struggle.

If you are like me, though, this empathy does not extend to people who are dicks. 

The following are examples of such:

Anyone who has a phone conversation longer than 2 minutes on public transportation: If you feel the need to announce the monotonous details of your recent vacation to wherever-the-fuck, please spare the innocent patrons of the bus/streetcar/subway the mental image of your exuberant waistline in a Brazilian-style bathing suit by shutting the hell up.

People who wear headphones while talking to me: Regardless of whether or not your music is on, I will assume it is because you’ve got shit in your ears, and thus assume that whatever you’re listening to is terrible, and thus will not like you.

People who let their dogs lick them on the mouth. This is disgusting, please stop.

Those individuals who choose to rollerblade on the sidewalk and get snarky at pedestrians for being in their way. Aside from the fact that you're consciously choosing to spend precious moments of your life on rollerblades, I'm still convinced you are some of the worst people I'd ever encounter.

People in line buying $200 worth of groceries who won’t let me in front of them with my one item: Now in all honesty, based on the products that these people tend to purchase, it is clear that their lives are difficult, what with all that sodium. Now although a diet rich in sodium and high fructose corn syrup may result in heart failure, severe depression, and a deep love for daytime television, it does not affect one’s proclivity for common decency. All I have is a bottle of water, and I’m standing here like an asshole for 15 minutes while you, standing oblivious to myself or your future diabetes diagnosis, ponder which 3 starches will accompany your fried chicken on this fine evening, and it’s far from appreciated.   

Finally, people who leave excessively long voicemails: It’s true that at one time, the voicemail was a pinnacle feature of modern communication as sophisticated and glamorous as sending a fax. Alas, times have changed and the concept of the voicemail has now taken a backseat to email, SMS, and carrier pigeon. This does not, however, prevent certain troglodytes from leaving 30+ second voicemails all over town, and it needs to stop immediately. First off, if you can’t disclose the pertinent details for contacting me in a text message or email, I’m not interested. Secondly, if it takes you longer than 30 seconds to disclose your reasons for contacting me in a voicemail, again, I’m not interested. Please people, get with the fucking program. Thanks :)